NOT THE SAME MAN

(Epilogue to 'Smiler With a Gun')

Drena Hills

"You can go a long way with a smile.

You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun."

-

Al Capone

Heyes is funny sometimes. People say he's impossible to read, but they don't know him like I do. Take when he's itching to ask you something and he just hasn't quite worked out the best way to do it. He gets so annoyed with himself and if you stay quiet the silence will darn near drive him crazy cause you don't give him any openings he can work with.

I knew he wanted to talk about it. I knew it was bothering him. And usually were pretty good about getting things off our chest, even if we do yell what were thinking, but this was different. I knew this conversation might lead to places I'd been pretty good to avoid up till now and he knew it too.

But mostly just the memory of Danny Bilson lying there in that street was still too raw. It was only hours old when we made camp and I felt sure if I could avoid talking about it till morning I could digest it and move on without it ever needing to come up again.

I hadn't counted on Heyes.

"You want some more coffee?"

It was a simple request and if hadn't followed other offers to unsaddle my horse, fix dinner and get the water I might have let it pass.

"Heyes I'm fine."

"Course you are."

I sighed and looked at him. He wasn't looking at me. He was studying the tin cup in his hand like it was the most fascinating thing he had ever beheld.

"Heyes he's dead let it go."

He looked up startled and the pain in his eyes felt like a punch to the stomach.

I always said Heyes feels too much. People think I'm the soft touch, but Heyes just hides it well. He feels everything, Soapy called him an empath once, some word meaning a person who can pick up another's feelings, put themselves in his shoes. Maybe that's why he's so good with a con or poker or just leading men. But it does take it toll, on him…and me.

"It shouldn't have happened, I should have found a way to get us out of there before," Heyes said his voice dusky as he swallowed back the emotion with a sip of coffee.

"Heyes we had to see it through for Seth."

"No, I knew where it would end up. Danny has been wanting to take a crack at you since you shot that rattler. I should have…."

I grinned, "Heyes you couldn't have stopped me from going after Danny."

"Yes I could have," he said forcefully, eyes back on his cup. "I could have convinced you and then none of this would have ever happened." He looked up. "Kid he could have killed you and as it is you…"

He stopped and I sighed frustrated and a little angry, I mean I'm the one that killed a man, not him, what was he so fussed about. Let me handle it my way, it wasn't his problem. Why did he always have to worry everything to death?

"Killed a man? Wasn't the first time Heyes, you know that. I'm a gunslinger or haven't you heard. We kill people."

I wanted the words to come out angry and shut him up, but instead my voice broke a little on the last sentence and a wave of nausea washed over me, just like it always did after I had to shoot.

He looked up concerned, his voice urgent. "Kid I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry, I'm not asking you to tell me, I just wanted to help. I'm just as responsible as you."

"How Heyes? I pulled the trigger. I stand out in the street, how could you possibly be responsible for my killing Danny or anyone else?"

"Because maybe if I had looked after you better you never would have had to strap on that gun."

He said it so miserably it completely stopped me cold.

"What? Heyes you were 12 when our folks died and everything after and before you couldn't have done a damn thing about. I made the choice to learn to shoot this gun."

"To protect yourself, to protect us, because I couldn't," he said bitterly.

"Heyes I repeat you were 12 when it all went wrong, what the hell were you gonna do different? And yea your right I did learn to shoot this gun so that nobody would ever take me and mine again, but that is hardly your fault."

"There should have been a way, I could have got you adopted, if we had split up, you were littler, someone in Lawrence would have took you. Us being together was wrong. I was selfish. I didn't want to lose the only family I had left. You would have grown up normal and never had to…" he was talking to himself, working it through out loud, but I could see he had thought it out silently many a sleepless night before.

I stared at him amazed at where this all was coming from. We didn't talk much about our childhood, maybe the good parts now and then, but as a rule it was a closed book. Couldn't fix it, so why dwell on it. I should have known Heyes would chew on it though, had he really felt this responsible all these years?

"Heyes," I exhaled, this was no easier for me than him, but he was more than my cousin, he was my partner and my friend. "I wouldn't have made it without you." He looked up sharply and went to speak, but I raised my hand to silence him. "No I'm serious I never could have handled burying my family or going on if you hadn't of been there. You took over; you grew up and let me grieve. If you had of left me I think the loneliness would have killed me that first year. As it was I'm not sure how I made it even with you there."

"Kid, you could have had another family."

"I have a family damn it, you! Your all the kin I got or ever needed. And my strapping on this gun is no more your fault than the war was. It's life Heyes and life ain't fair."

I got up and threw my coffee in the fire and walked to the edge of our camp. All this on top of Danny was too much for one day and I walked off into the night not sure if I was coming back.

*****************************

Heyes slumped down on his bedroll. It had all gone wrong. He had been trying to help and he had only made it worse.

Disgusted with himself he laid down and tried to get comfortable. Kid would need to walk it out before he'd come back. He would come back though, he always did.

He stared at the stars a long time convincing himself of that before he fell asleep.

*******************************

I heard his groans just as I reached the edge of camp. My gun leapt in my hand and I entered cautiously and realized Heyes was asleep.

Replacing my gun I walked over and knelt down and touched his arm, but he was pretty caught up in the nightmare and merely let out a moan.

Harder this time I rousted him and he jerked up awake startled, face covered in sweat. I knew the look and I knew the dream.

"Here drink this," I said passing him the water and he gratefully gulped down a swallow.

"Thank you," he said hoarsely and I could tell he felt foolish. The dreams had pretty much stopped over the years, but every now and then something would trigger one and he'd wake up shaking and pale from the journey.

"Heyes look I know you were only trying to help getting me to talk."

"No, no you were right, none of my business."

That hurt more than the digging and slumping down against the fallen tree near the fire I looked across at him.

"You know the first man I killed was Tex Reevers."

Heyes looked up amazed. I had never admitted to it. It had happened when we had split up for a year. Heyes had gotten into outlawing and I had gotten into a reputation. Rumors swirled around how many men I had killed, but there was no proof and that first one had been before I had a name so few people connected it with me, but Heyes knew. He had seen it in the paper and guessed I had been the young boy who had faced off against the hired gun in New Mexico.

When we had got back together he had gingerly touched on it, but I had brushed it aside and he had let it go.

There would be others. You didn't run an outlaw gang or carry a reputation like mine without being challenged, often to the death. But usually they had been attempts to bushwhack and I realized what was different was that this was the first time Heyes had seen me called out and I had been forced to kill the man.

With time I've gotten pretty good at knowing when I have time to disarm or just wound, but occasionally they are too good or too fast or it isn't just me I'm looking out for and then somebody dies.

"Kid you don't have to…"

"Yea I do, I should have told you years ago. You've always stood by me Heyes, never judged me and I appreciate that."

"Kid you never killed a man that wasn't trying to kill you and you go out of your way to avoid drawing that gun, ain't nothing to judge your about," Heyes said softly.

"Still you manage to avoid killing."

"Not always."

I looked up sharply, but he wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Heyes what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I got close once myself. Too close and the only reason I didn't kill the man was pure luck, cause I sure meant to."

I stared at him, "Who?"

He fought with the memory and finally whispered, "Tex Reevers."

*******************************

"I was with Plummer then, only our second job and flush with success me an the gang hit town. I was a cocky young idiot back then," Heyes said into the fire.

I grinned, "Then?"

He glared at me; "You wanna hear this?"

I sobered up, "Yea, yea I do."

"Well I got in a poker game and I won, won big. Problem was men I was playing with didn't appreciate skill in a green kid and one of them stood up and accused me of cheating. It was Reevers. I didn’t know who he was or his reputation and I ignored everyone nudging me and trying to get me to give in."

"You faced him down?" I said in amazement. "Heyes he was one of the fastest men around back then."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," and a smile creased his face at the idea. "No, Plummer intervened, he needed me alive and pushed me off and calmed Reevers down. I'm sure he saved my life because later that night I saw him draw on another man and I got sick at how fast he was."

"So what happened?" I asked.

"He couldn't let it be, came after me. It was late; I was heading back to the hotel, fortunately fairly sober. He tried to bushwhack me, but something made me turn and I dived behind a building the bullet just missing me. I automatically drew and fired back hitting him." He stopped. "It all happened so fast. Plummer ran out and checked him and said he was dead. I was in shock. He pulled me over to the stable and got me on a horse and said I should get out of town, no one would believe a kid like me had taken out Reevers without ambushing him and I'd be wanted for murder. Course he wasn't dead, wounded, but not gone, but I wasn't to know that and Plummer knew he could hold the murder charge over me and keep me riding with him."

"Aw Heyes," I said disgusted with such a trick and stared at my cousin who suddenly looked younger and a little lost.

"I'll never forget that feeling. A man was dead because of me."

"Yea, but he wasn't," I said firmly.

"But I thought I had and that was enough. For six months I walked around with that, that's why…well that's why I worry about how you…"

He stopped at a loss for words.

"Handle it? Heyes I don't. I just accept that like today with Danny the man drawing on me gave me no choice. So when did you find out Reevers was alive?"

"When I saw his obituary in the paper. I don't know why, but when they described the man who had beaten him in a show down I just knew it was you."

I sat for a long time saying nothing. I knew he was waiting for my side, I owed him that, but I also had kept it from him for all this time to protect him.

Finally his gaze got to be too much and I began carefully, "I was in New Mexico drifting from job to job and was stupid enough to get hired on for one of the range wars. I was not much more than 15, but I was good all ready Heyes and word got around. People came to see me practice and I was just stupid and cocky enough that I let it swell my head."

"Reevers got hired on and soon started hearing comparisons from some of the others that I was clearly better than him. Especially they said after that young kid had shot him a few months past. Didn't take me long to realize they were talking about you. Nobody that young could play cards and talk and scheme like you and when he mentioned Plummer I was convinced."

"What happened?"

"He called me out or he tried, kept insulting me, little things to make me face off with him, but I kept my cool."

"Must have been frightening him working at you, with his reputation."

I sighed, "No the worse part was I knew I could beat him. Heyes I knew I could take him. I hadn't a doubt in my mind. I had seen him draw; I was faster, inexperienced yes, but faster. I just didn't want to have to kill him. I didn't want to have to kill anyone."

"But you did," Heyes said softly. "What did it? What made him get you in that street to face him?"

I'm a pretty good liar. I have the face for it. Unfortunately there is one man who can see through it every time so I tread carefully here. I had kept this a secret for 10 years and I wasn't about to give it up now.

"Woman, what else," I said casually and prayed.

Heyes has this way of looking at you sometimes, I swear its like he can read your mind. He just froze and his eyes met mine and something in him clicked and he gasped.

"It was because of me…" he said in complete shock. "You faced him down because of me!"

He stood up crazed and sick with the idea and I thought for a moment he was gonna hit me.

I didn't say anything; I just closed my eyes and wished this wretched day would just end.

"Heyes I faced him down because he was going to kill me."

"No, no there is more to it and that's why you never told me," Heyes said crouching down in front of me desperate for the truth. "Please Kid I gotta know."

I sighed and in a flat monotone voice told him.

"All of a sudden he decided to move on. I overheard him talking in the bunkhouse, said he had heard where the Plummer Gang was hold up and he was going after the boy that shot him. I don't know maybe he found out we were cousins, maybe it was just a scheme to get my attention."

"No, he would have come after me eventually and I wouldn't have been on the look out because I thought he was dead, I wouldn't have had a chance. You killed him to save my life."

I groaned, "See that's why I never told you, I knew you'd blow this all out of proportion. Heyes I was a boy, dumb and green." I was on my feet yelling now. "The man just got on my last nerve and when he baited me one last time I took the challenge and met him and I killed him." My voice rang out and the words seemed to hang there.

I walked to the edge of the campsite feeling sick. I had never meant for him to know this part of it and him finding out made me feel like I'd failed him.

I know Heyes, everything has to be his responsibility, the raid, us on the run, and he would now try and take my killing a man for the first time as his responsibility.

"Kid I…"

"No Heyes, shut up and listen. What happened was not your fault, I, made the choice, I chose to meet Reevers and I chose to meet Danny, And you wanna know something I made the right choice then and I made the right choice now and so help me if you let this eat at you I'll…." I stopped. He was looking at me calmly with a quiet, peaceful expression.

"Go on," he said innocently.

I looked at him suspicious, "What are you thinking?"

"Nothing I was just going to say thank you and you got all uppity and started yelling your head off. Ya know people say I'm long winded, but ya know Kid you don't do so bad yourself."

I stared at him. Dang he confuses me sometimes. Just when I think I've got him all figured out he changes all outside in and I'm right back to trying to figure him out.

"You wanna try and get some sleep or just move out, almost dawn," Heyes said simply.

"That's it?"

"Why you got some other deep dark secret you wanna tell me? I mean otherwise we can just move on."

I looked at him and I understood. Move on, that had been our code as kids to let a matter drop, to agree to accept and unite and not let something pull us apart. A small smile tugged at his lips and his eyes looked down embarrassed at how hard he was trying to make it all right.

"No moving on sounds right," I said finally unable to fight the same small smile on the corner of my lips as something deep and tight in my chest slowly began to relax and uncoil.

We saddled our horses and kicked over the fire and I was just about to mount when I caught him staring at me with the funniest expression on his face.

"What now?" I said warily.

"You don't have any more secrets like that buried do you?"

I paused, the sun was just beginning to come up over the hill, it was a new day and it held a promise that hadn't been there yesterday.

Gravely serious I looked at him and nodded, "Remember Sara Johneen Mitchell?"

Heyes stared at me, "Sara? From the 3^rd grade Sara?"

"Yea," I said darkly "Remember how you thought you were the first boy she ever kissed?" I paused and sighed deeply at the memory. "Well you weren't, she kissed me the day before you in the supply cupboard."

He stared at me, letting out the breath he had been holding and grinned inspite of himself. "You…" and he started to laugh.

I grinned back and joined him as I swung up onto my horse.

They say a man can go far with a gun or a quick smile.

Truth is he goes the distance because of a friend.